i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize