So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Enjoy the penises
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
