i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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