you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
