im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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