and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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