and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
