I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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