I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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