is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
