The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
