I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
