my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
