I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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