Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
