How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
