Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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