I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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