Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
