Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
one might say we're banned from that church
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
