When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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