I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
