Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just had sex on a roof
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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