I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
