you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
