Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
