Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
