It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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