i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
