I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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