there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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