I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
