The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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