i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
