I'm going to jail i love you
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
