there's paper in my vomit.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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