I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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