I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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