Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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