I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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