I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
