i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
