Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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