im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
