I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
