I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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