Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
