wanna go halves on a baby?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
