so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
