Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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