you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
