I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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