My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
