There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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