It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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